My "Why"

Simplify. Teddybear-n-geekygirl.com replaces my Patreon and ALL my other blogs. I was able to have over 900 posts imported from my other sites - I'm totally geeking out over that! That's fifteen YEARS of writing... I have a big job ahead of me to organize all the posts, but for now, they are all HERE!

This is another major life overhaul - for medical and mental reasons - I need to "simplify", "calm the @#$%! down", and try to create income... without creating more stress. Ah... yeh. I want to start writing again, draw comics, and paint -- and turn this adorable puppy into the most amazing service dog!

Begin Again.

I've worked really hard to make some dreams happen, but I can't control Life and the results are often not what I planned.

In the last ten years -

I decided to go back to school, the Center for Cartoon Studies, for my Masters, saved the tuition, waited for my son to finish HS, got into a legal battle with my Ex, lost the tuition money, learned about Kickstarter (earned the tuition back!), survived a sometimes terrifying relationship (great material for my Thesis comics), managed both VT and NH households on almost no income, got my dream job creating science comics for the Montshire Museum of Science, graduated on the Northern Stage, had to move back home because of "obligations," got a tiny studio at the Concord Community Arts Center, gave myself a one year sabbatical to complete my Quo Vadis graphic novel (which I did!), was convinced to take on a giant studio, teach classes, and over-expand in a direction I didn't want and couldn't afford, learned about restraining orders, moved my mom three times, dated a gazillion guys (for research) and kept detailed notes for my graphic novel, The Experiment, started getting good work as a graphic notetaker at medical conferences, drew one toy a day for all of 2019, planned a show of those drawings at the Childrens Museum of NH for the summer of 2020 along with a family trip to Estonia (my mom's first time returning home since she left at age 5)...

COVID.... screeching brakes... full stop.

Begin Again.

There was lots of other stuff, good and bad, as well as ongoing tests and surgeries. With the most recent tests, I've heard a lot of words like "unusual", "chronic" and "degenerative". And oh @#$%!, here we go again. I've spent a lifetime waiting for "This" to be over so that I can get back to what's important to me. But there is always another "This" to get through.

I've been told that when a woman reaches her 50's, she stops caring what others' think... I still care, but I've always been on a different schedule! I can definitely feel a sensation of being pissed off... I'm tired of following the rules - rules have never been my friends. Working really hard to earn some money - to start my own publishing company - just to have it go, in an instant, for co-pays, co-insurance, repairing damage from my tenants - I feel so angry.

If I don't fit, if I can't find my tribe, if I can't even get my family to notice me - why should I keep following Their rules?

I live in a white farmhouse, like everyone else around here. It has purple shutters and doors, a dragon, and a Stonehenge like garden... and a gnu ... but it basically blends in. But inside - it's MY world! Color and murals everywhere. A whole toy museum, Lego city... and drawers and drawers of ideas, sketches, and partially finished book projects waiting for my attention.

When I was a teen and going through the radiation and surgeries, and losing vision in my right eye, I was so sick and so lonely. I never told my friends or teachers what was going on. And they never noticed or asked if I needed help. Following the rules, keeping quiet, not causing a fuss, being BRAVE, and waiting until This was over to resume my Life -— Why!? Who was I protecting? What did all that achieve for me? So now I'm over 50 and still waiting. But there's a voice screaming in my head "ain't no one coming to rescue you, Princess!" I'm not going to keep this stuff in my head anymore.

If my body is disintegrating, the pain will only increase, and I'm losing control of my drawing hand - why WAIT for anything? I've used up all my Patience as a Patient. I don't want to see MORE specialists and get MORE tests - if I have limited time - I want to write and draw and put all my experiences out there so they can help someone else. I need to know there was a point to all of This!

Hey - Universe (Jesus, God, Sakhmet, Whatever...)! If you're reading this, here's what I need right now. Seriously. Right. Now. I need help. Help with the house - and a vaccuum that sucks. Help with the puppy - she's the perfect dog for the job, but I am not the perfect trainer. Help with the lawn - or at least can I have a good riding mower? And please, can you get all the people who owe me money to finally pay me? And most importantly - can I have a Friend? Someone who likes me so much they're willing to spend time with me, even if I don't pay them. If I have to go through all This shit again, I don't want to do it alone.

Seems like a fair request, right?